Editor’s Note: Our fictional friends Jane and Zyir talk about celebrating New Year’s Eve safely.

By Robert Ambrose

JANE: Hey, do we have a designated driver for the New Year’s party?

ZYIR: Do we need one?

JANE: Since impairment begins with the first drink, we need one.

ZYIR: I don’t drink.

JANE: I do. Will you be my designated driver?

ZYIR: Yep. Even if we were hosting, I would plan to drive people home – safely. I can’t understand why friends would let friends let someone get locked up for driving under the influence.

JANE: Yeah, people make it a tougher world than it has to be. 

ZYIR: I was reading that the champagne cork can be dangerous.

JANE: How so?

ZYIR: Look, not only point the cork away from people when you pop it – obvious – chill it at 45 degrees.

JANE: Why?

ZYIR: The cork won’t pop so much at that temp or higher. Oh, and use a towel when you are popping the cork.

JANE: Speaking of pop, fireworks are not legal in many places. Plus, people must not try to re-ignite an inactive fireworks.

ZYIR: Right. Hey, a very dumb move: shooting a gun in the air.

JANE: Yes. Is it 1894?

ZYIR:. Shooting a gun means the bullet must come back down to Earth. That got outlawed eventually

JANE: Yes, our expectations for this New Year’s are down to Earth. We’re gonna’ have a good time without danger.

ZYIR: Let’s tell everyone at the party about www.soberrides.org

JANE: soberrides.org? Maybe I’ll put that on the cake instead of Happy New Year’s.

ZYIR: Yes. People need to ask for a ride, to speak up and maybe owe a favor.

JANE: But soberrides.org is…

ZYIR: It gives people ideas – taxis, rideshare, friends. Hey, did you know that New Year’s Day is the most dangerous day to walk around?

JANE: Seriously?

ZYIR: Walkers  may not pay attention to pedestrian crosswalks.

JANE: And the drivers are impaired.

ZYIR: Next year we might host. So, we  want to have different color cups – alcohol v non-alcoholic drinks.

JANE: Won’t that make the non-drinkers…

ZYIR: It will make sure people know what they are drinking.

JANE: Smoke alarm check would be good. Writing down the local hospital phone number…

ZYIR: We could book taxi rides in advance or I could drive them all to save some money.

JANE: If we get a pet we need to put the pet in a quiet room for new year’s.

ZYIR: Okay, pretend like you  are making a public service announcement. Hi, you’re on the air, Jane. Go ahead.

JANE: Good day. To have another good day after New Year’s parties, make sure to follow this advice.  Never DUI. Never chance a DUI by drinking one drink and starting your engine. Get an Uber, Lyft, or a friend. Sleep on the host’s floor if you need to. Never separate with friends to hang out with unknown people. Hold your phone in a front pocket – like credit card and cash. Never drink alcohol and light fireworks, don’t let kids touch fireworks. Have a bucket of water nearby.

Applause.